At the end of last year, a family member was having surgery and while in the waiting room awaiting word of their condition, I waded through a pile of magazines that I had been saving up to read. 

Well, the November 2009 issue of Prevention magazine had an article featuring an interview with first lady Michelle Obama that focused primarily on her eating habits, fitness routine and secrets to inner confidence. It’s a really insightful piece that ended with  a really interesting question.  The interviewer asked the first lady if she felt the way the President looked at her - i.e., as if she were the most beautiful woman in the world?  Her answer gave me pause.  Mrs. Obama said that one of the things that attracted her to her husband was his emotional honesty.  Apparently right off the bat  he said what he felt, there were no games with him.  Her answer reminded me of the President’s stories during his campaign about how the first lady turned him down four or five times before she agreed to go out with him.  I don’t know too many men today who’d be as persistent and in turn demonstrate their feelings in such an emotionally honest fashion.

In any case, I literally laughed aloud when I read the first lady’s response to the interview question.  Not because it lacked credibility or anything along those lines, but because of how unfortunate it is that more people don’t follow the President’s example in their dating lives these days.  Take the title of this post, it is of course a play on the now old adage, “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” I don’t know how many times I have heard people jokingly say “…you know that for the first six months of dating someone you’ve only met their representative…”  Or how about the now common practice of waiting for a day or two  to call someone after getting their number even though you may really like them, rather than being emotionally honest and calling immediately?

How did the dating scene get to a point where it’s bec0me synonymous with frivolity and deceit?  (After all, games are frivolous and putting on airs for six months and possibly pretending to be someone you’re not is deceitful).   For adults, dating should be a serious matter.  It is a process whose foremost objective is to weed out prospective candidates in the search for a life partner. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that what might initially prompt a date is physical attraction with the ulterior  (or not so ulterior motive nowadays) motive of getting someone in bed, but ultimately the reason most people continually engage in the dating process, is in the hopes of eventually finding “the one.”

Because of how socially acceptable games and deceit have become in dating, people end up wasting time, playing with the emotions of others and using each other sexually (which can lead to other life altering events – e.g., babies born to parents who are uncommitted to each other, diseases, - some chronic, some life threatening).  None of these is a good or honorable thing.  So I guess my question is, why aren’t more people emotionally honest as per the President’s example in their dating lives?  I’d love to hear your comments. 

Is it because singles these days  prefer to get married later and along the now much longer road o marriage, want to get their freak on, but without too many strings?  True emotional honesty might mean telling someone outright that they are not a viable candidate for life partner, but would be a perfect candidate for a nice roll in the hay on and off for a few months.  This kind of honesty  might cut down on the number of takers for such a proposition and in turn negatively effect  how much booty comes your way and so the game ensues. 

Since most people are not emotionally honest and do not clearly state what they feel and what they want from someone, the conversation never happens, people  just keep hanging out, getting their freak on and walking on egg shells, tip- toeing around how they feel about each other, and where the relationship is going.  Why do we play the don’t ask, don’t tell game in dating so much?  As adults, we must give up such childish ways and follow the President’s example; engage in more emotional honesty early on in dating.  Let’s hate the player, stop the games and behave as though we are - I don’t know – civilized?  Check me out next time around when I explore why we walk on egg shells in dating so often, I’m calling the next post Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, I hope you’ll take a peek.

©March 23, 2010 Leandra Ollie

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